


Rodney's Revenge

by Orithain, Rina9294



Series: The World According to Rover [26]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Genderswap, Humor, M/M, Sentient Carts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-04
Updated: 2013-08-04
Packaged: 2017-12-21 19:41:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/904116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orithain/pseuds/Orithain, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rina9294/pseuds/Rina9294
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodney plays a prank on Radek, and Carson benefits from it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rodney's Revenge

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted August 2006.  
> I'm never quite sure whether to call it F/M or M/M when the F is actually a temporarily genderswapped man who thinks of himself as man....

"Radek, Lorne’s team brought back a new piece of tech on their last mission." Rodney paused in his typing and glanced up at the other man. "While I’m off world, I want you to take a look at it."

"Finally admitting there’s something you can’t figure out?" Radek retorted without bothering to raise his head.

"In your dreams," Rodney snorted. "Of course, if you’d rather go off world, I could stay here and work on it."

"No, no, that’s fine. I’ll look at it as soon as I’m finished here."

"Which will be after I’m gone and back at the rate you’re going." Rodney saved his work and unhooked his datapad, picking it up as he stood.

Radek growled. "I hope there’s a colony of children to follow you around."

"If there is, I’ll make sure they learn all about you and how much you like them."

"Leave now!"

Rodney chuckled as he headed for the door. "Don’t blow up the lab or kill Kavanagh when I’m gone."

"Why?"

"Because the paperwork would be a bitch."

"Hmm, you have a point. Very well, Kavanagh can live. I suppose he’s like other cockroaches anyway, and we couldn’t kill him."

"Exactly, and now I’m off to risk life and limb to keep all of you safe; try to have fresh coffee on when I get back."

Radek growled again at Rodney’s receding back. "I should poison it," he grumbled before getting back to work. A little later he finished up and stretched, then picked up the device Rodney had asked him to investigate. He reached for it mentally to trigger it and felt dizzy for a moment.

Radek raised his hand to his head to rub his temples and froze, staring at the extremity. His eyes widened, and his roar shook the lab.

" **I’M GOING TO KILL HIM**!"

"Dr. Zelenka, is there a problem..." Miko Takata stepped around the corner and stopped dead with a gasp. "Dr. Zelenka..."

"Yes, I’m Dr. Zelenka. And I’m going to _kill_ McKay!" Radek had been trying to reverse the process, and nothing was happening, telling him that Rodney had set him up.

"Dr. Beckett, you’re needed in the main lab." Miko stepped closer after keying her radio and placed a hand on Radek’s arm, trying to calm him, neatly side-stepping Reza when the cart zipped over, waving her pincers aggressively. She patted Maemi soothingly, preventing the carts from clashing.

"Reza, leave Dr. Takata alone. This isn’t her fault." Radek looked up as Carson came into the lab. "I’m going to kill Rodney."

"Exactly what did Rodney do?" Carson asked, trying for that same calm tone Radek had used when he had been the one switched, though he did study his lover carefully, noting that while his loose shirt hid the most blatant physical changes, Radek had developed a set of very bee-stung lips.

"He reconfigured the device so that it doesn’t look the same and gave it to me, saying that it was a new device he needed studied! And he made it so that it won’t reverse!" Radek lapsed into Czech as he waved his arms wildly.

"Oh, Lord," Carson murmured. "Would ye care for me to try for me to turn ye back?"

"I would be happy to help as well," Miko added quickly.

"Go ahead. It would be pleasant if it worked, but I’m sure that Rodney would have thought of that," Radek grumbled.

"Aye, love, but it can’t hurt, either." Carson squeezed Radek’s shoulder and placed a hand on the device, willing it to return Radek to normal. When his try failed, Miko attempted it as well, and her face fell when that didn’t work either. "I am truly sorry, Dr. Zelenka," she said mournfully. "I wish I could have been more assistance."

"You can help me dispose of the body!"

"You would not kill Dr. McKay!"

"Don’t bet on that, lass," Carson sighed, though he couldn’t help but stare at Radek’s new body.

Catching sight of Carson’s expression, Radek abruptly stopped cursing and stared back. "You should probably check me out, make sure I suffered no ill effects from the transformation."

"Aye," Carson answered after a moment. "If Rodney fiddled with the gadget, it may have affected something other than simply changing ye back to normal."

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Miko asked.

"Thank you, Dr. Takata, but that won’t be necessary. I would appreciate it, however, if you would have Dr. Wilson, who does _not_ have the gene, check the device and try to find out what was done to it."

"Yes, I will go do that," she said, nodding quickly.

"And as fer you, love, we should get ye to the infirmary for that check up," Carson said firmly.

Radek nodded and followed Carson out of the lab. "Or back to our quarters," Radek suggested once they were alone.

"That will come after the infirmary," Carson said firmly. "I meant what I said about Rodney fiddling with that device, and I want to assure myself that yer all right."

"Sometimes you’re overly conscientious, love," Radek sighed.

"Never when it comes to yer safety. Now move before Ciora prods ye in yer backside." Carson smiled and leaned in to brush a kiss over Radek’s lips, pulling back and smiling in surprise.

"What?" Radek asked curiously, licking his lips unconsciously.

"Ye taste the same, but ye feel different when I kiss ye," Carson murmured. "It’s very odd."

"Well, if I’m going to be stuck like this till Rodney gets back, you can explore what else feels different."

"After I make sure yer all right," Carson said firmly, leading Radek out of the lab and toward the nearest transporter, Reza and Ciora trailing behind them.

"You are a very stubborn man," Radek observed.

"Aye, well, I have to be to work and live with the lot of you, don’t I?"

"Are you calling me stubborn, Carson?"

"Are you saying you aren’t, Radek?"

Radek grinned. "I don’t think anyone would believe that."

"Precisely," Carson chuckled, placing a hand at the small of Radek’s back and escorting him into the infirmary, waving off the questioning looks of his staff with two words. "Rodney’s fault."

"I’m going to make him pay for this," Radek vowed, glaring down at newly slender hands.

"That you will love, but later, all right?" After ushering Radek to an examination area, Carson handed him a gown. "Now then, love, get changed and we’ll get this over."

After removing his uniform, Radek paused with the gown in his hands and stared down at himself. "This is very, very strange," he announced a moment later when he’d covered himself and pulled the curtain aside to let Carson know he was ready.

"Would you rather I have one of the ladies do the exam?" Carson asked gently, reaching out to brush a strand of hair from Radek’s face.

"No!" Radek shuddered at the thought. "Only you. I want no one else looking at me."

"I’m sorry for suggesting it, love," Carson murmured, pulling Radek into a hug, the shorter man’s new curves fitting differently against him.

"This feels very peculiar but in a good way." Radek leaned into Carson, his head resting on the doctor’s shoulder.

"Aye, I believe I know what ye mean," Carson chuckled, turning his head to kiss Radek’s temple. "And at least we know that ye’ll be back to normal when Rodney returns."

"True, but I’d prefer not to give him the satisfaction of having to wait." Radek sighed. "Although it wouldn’t be too bad if it leads to _our_ satisfaction."

"After yer exam," Carson repeated sternly though he was smiling when he leaned back to look down at Radek. "Now then, up on the table with ye and we’ll do the scans."

"Then will you do an internal exam?" Radek settled himself on the table, his gaze intent on Carson.

Carson flushed and nodded. "Aye, I more than likely will, though not in here or in the chair room!"

"And here I thought you were coming to like the chair," Radek chuckled throatily.

"I’ve come to like how ye distract me in it, but we’re going nowhere except back to our room once we’re done here, Dr. Zelenka."

"And as you once told me, don’t forget the protection."

"Hush now, will ye?" Carson sighed, stepping back to program in the scans he wanted done and surreptitiously tug at his pants.

Seeing him, Radek smiled. "You don’t like discussing what we’re going to do after we’re done here?"

"Not while my mind should be on other things!"

"I like having your mind on me."

"It is on ye, ye daft man!"

"Less professional and more lover-like, lover," Radek purred, finding that it worked much better with his new voice.

"Och, I have half a mind to let Dr. Biro finish this," Carson grumbled, though his voice lacked any heat.

"You want to let someone else touch me?" Radek raised his eyebrows. "I think we need to discuss this."

"I dinna think running a scanner over ye could be called touching ye." Carson tried to glower as he scanned the readouts in front of him but failed miserably.

"I don’t want anyone else scanning me either!"

Carson blinked at the pitch Radek had achieved at the last and nodded. "All right, love, no one else will be scanning ye."

"Good!" Radek nodded sharply and crossed his arms over his chest, then abruptly lowered them when he squashed his breasts.

After pressing his lips together to keep from chuckling, Carson cleared his throat. "Ye have to be careful of them, love."

"So I see." Radek shifted uncomfortably. "How did you get used to them?"

"Well-fitting undergarments were a large help, and then there was the fact that you were quite appreciative of them."

"Hopefully you’re planning to reciprocate."

"Of course I am, and yer scans look perfectly normal except for the gender issue." Carson sounded quite relieved over that fact. "Now let me have a few words with my staff while you get dressed."

"Speak quickly!" Radek was already sitting up and reaching for his uniform.

"Aye, I will," Carson whispered, backing out of the curtained off area and turning to see most of his staff gathered outside. "As I said, Dr. McKay decided to play a joke on Dr. Zelenka."

"The device?" Dr. Ivers asked.

"Aye," Carson sighed. "The device. Now then, if ye’ll excuse me, I’ve things to attend to."

A ripple of soft laughter greeted that remark, and Carson groaned. "Shoo! The lot of ye, back to work!"

"Ready, Carson?" Radek came up behind him and pressed close.

Carson jumped slightly before answering. "Just one thing left, love."

"More important than me?" Radek was taking full advantage of being able to pout without looking absurd.

"Ye do recall what was said about how fully functional yer new body is, don’t ye?"

"Oh! Yes, please do take care of that."

"Exactly." Carson turned and smiled down at Radek. "Now don’t go flirting with the Marines, love."

"Would it make you jealous?"

"Yes!"

"Oh, Sergeant..."

"Radek, yer more trouble than Rodney," Carson sighed, though he was laughing as he walked toward the supply closet.

"But much more fun."

"Oh, aye, I dinna deny that, though I fear yer going to give me apoplexy before this is over!"

"I promise to resuscitate you if that happens."

Carson shook his head in mock sadness. "Ye worry me, love; ye truly do. I have to believe it’s all the time ye spend with the Colonel and Rodney." As he spoke, he slid an arm around Radek’s waist and steered him out of the infirmary past a startled Col. Davis, who stared then held up a hand to forestall any explanation.

"He’s not cheating on me; it’s me," Radek called over his shoulder, starting to laugh at the colonel’s expression.

"Dr. Zelenka?" Paul asked.

"Aye, it’s Radek," Carson sighed. "There was an incident with that infernal device."

"It wasn’t an incident; it was Rodney!"

"Why does this not surprise me?"

"The situation will be rectified as soon as Rodney returns," Carson assured them both. "Now if ye’ll excuse us, Col. Davis..."

"You could let Elizabeth know what’s happened, if you would," Radek said over his shoulder. "I’m going to my room to... rest."

"I’ll let her know the first part," Paul chuckled as they walked away.

"To rest, is it?" Carson asked, smiling slightly.

"Eventually. But I’m sure there will be lying down involved much earlier." Radek pushed his hair out of his eyes, huffing in disgust. "After I braid this out of the way."

"Why don’t ye let me?" Carson thought their door open and followed Radek into their room, the carts settling together in the corner.

"Please go right ahead. It’s very annoying!" Radek yanked another flyaway tress down and tried to tuck it behind his ear, sighing when it just landed in his face again seconds later. "I should have been more sympathetic when it was you."

"Trust me, love, ye were very sympathetic and helpful." Carson gently tucked Radek’s hair behind his ear again. "Now, have a seat, and we’ll set ye to rights."

"Thank you." Radek settled onto a chair and tried to relax as Carson moved behind him. "I suppose I should be grateful I don’t have Rodney’s problem," he mused, looking down at the curves of his chest.

Carson had to chuckle at that as he went into the bathroom to find a brush. "No, I’d put ye somewhere between myself and Col. Sheppard, and I must say, it is a good look for ye."

Radek snorted. "I suppose it would be worse to be an ugly woman."

Carson chuckled at that as he ran the brush through Radek’s hair and began braiding it. "Though I would never think ye were ugly, love."

"I’m pleased to hear it. And I must admit to a certain curiosity about this after the way you and the others described it."

"So ye won’t be trying to kill Rodney when he returns?" Carson teased, leaning in to kiss the side of Radek’s throat.

"Of course I will! But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it in the meantime." Radek moaned softly as he let his head fall back against Carson, offering his throat.

"Oh, definitely. I only hope I can make it half as enjoyable for ye as ye did for me." Carson nibbled along the soft skin, kissing the reddened flesh.

"I’m sure I’ll enjoy anything you do, Carson." Radek reached back, catching hold of Carson’s thighs as he murmured with pleasure.

"Then why don’t we move to the bed, and I’ll do what I can." Carson trailed his fingers over the curve of Radek’s breast before taking his hand and moving around him to urge him up.

"With the very greatest of pleasure, love," Radek replied, rising to his feet and pressing up against Carson to claim a tender kiss. When he drew back, flushed and panting, he smiled wickedly as he said, "I like the way we fit together."

"Aye, though I think we fit together quite well normally too," Carson murmured breathlessly.

"Very much so," Radek agreed. "But I really like how you feel against my breasts." He made a face as he said it, but despite his displeasure with Rodney over the whole situation, he had to admit that he was enjoying himself.

"Aye, I do recall this feeling lovely from the other side." Carson worked his hands under the back of Radek’s shirt and began easing it upward.

Radek made a soft purring sound of pleasure and arched his back, pressing their groins together. He groaned happily when he found himself rocking against Carson’s erection, and he raised one leg to wrap it around Carson’s waist.

"Bed, love, before we fall over," Carson gasped, sliding his hands down to Radek’s ass and lifting him so that he could walk backwards to the bed and drop carefully down on it.

Radek groaned again at the sensation of Carson’s erection grinding into the space between his legs, and he could feel himself getting wetter. It was an odd sensation but one that was entirely pleasurable, he decided, tightening his legs around Carson’s waist to pull him closer. "I want you to fuck me," he rasped.

"And I want ta make love to ye." Carson carefully rolled them both to the side, then Radek to his back so that he could smile down at him.

"That would be good too," Radek agreed, relaxing down into the mattress and smiling up at Carson.

As he rocked gently down against Radek’s body, Carson smiled gently. "Though our current position will make getting our clothes off difficult."

"Sadly true," Radek sighed. He reluctantly let go of Carson so the doctor could sit up, but he immediately sidetracked them by running his hands over Carson’s chest once he’d removed his shirt. "All mine," Radek murmured gleefully, struck anew by it.

"Any way, shape, or form ye want me." Carson shivered at the feeling of Radek’s hands on him, similar, yet different than usual. He reached out to help Radek sit up as well and eased his shirt upwards, refraining from looking at Radek’s breasts until his chest was bare, and then he let out a low whistle. "Oh, love, yer lovely."

Radek looked down at himself, not seeing anything special. "I’m glad you like them." He grinned quickly. "Not quite as much as John likes Rodney’s, I hope."

"Nay, I dinna believe I’ll be obsessed with them." Carson reached out and brushed a fingertip over one of Radek’s nipples. "But I will enjoy watching yer reactions."

Shivering, Radek rested his hands on Carson’s shoulders. "Oh, that is very good," he breathed.

"I’m hoping it’ll get better for ye," Carson breathed, turning his hands to cup the rounded curves beneath them and sighing when Radek shivered. With a soft sound of pleasure, Radek arched his back, pressing his breasts into Carson’s hands. Smiling tenderly, Carson leaned in to nuzzle the soft flesh, one hand sliding lower to undo Radek’s pants and tease the gingery curls.

"Oh my!" Radek’s eyes widened. "That’s... good," he finally repeated.

"At least I have a bit of experience from the other side of things here," Carson chuckled, easing Radek to his back and placing a kiss on his belly before beginning to work his pants off.

It was only then that Radek remembered Carson’s total lack of experience before him. He smiled sensually. "You’re doing wonderfully, love," he purred, lifting his hips to help with his undressing.

"I had a wonderful teacher," Carson assured him before shifting to draw Radek’s trousers off his legs, pressing a kiss to the hollow of his hip as he did so.

"And you’re a quick study," Radek murmured, his blue eyes soft with emotion as he looked up Carson. Then his gaze sharpened, and he squirmed, nails lightly scoring the doctor’s shoulders. "I want you naked too."

Carson nodded and backed off the bed to strip off the rest of his clothes and then rejoin Radek, sighing as their naked bodies slid together. Radek arched up under him, legs automatically parting to wrap around Carson, and he groaned deeply when Carson settled against him.

"If ye move like that again, this is going ta be over before it begins," Carson gasped, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath to calm himself.

"I don’t recall you holding still!" Radek retorted even as he forced himself not to move. "But I’ll be good," he promised in a breathless moan.

Carson gave a pained laugh. "Yer always good, love." He pushed up on one elbow and ran a hand down Radek’s body, fingers trailing over the soft curve of his belly and dipping down into his navel and then lower, sliding against his wet cleft and against his clit.

An incoherent stream of Czech fell from Radek’s lips, and his hips rose convulsively while his nails dug into Carson’s shoulders. "Carson!" he nearly wailed, eyes falling closed as the unfamiliar sensations overwhelmed him.

"Aye, I know, it takes yer breath away, doesn’t it?" Carson asked, continuing to rub at the bit of flesh while pressing kisses down Radek’s throat.

Radek could only whimper and writhe beneath him, arms and legs holding Carson close. "Please," he gasped out.

"Aye, love, let it take ye, and then I’ll take ye," Carson crooned, licking at Radek’s nipple as he played with him. Radek gasped, shuddered, and rocked up against Carson, unable to do anything else. His eyes flew open, and he stared dazedly up at Carson as the feelings intensified, drawing tighter until it burst through him, making him shake with pleasure.

Carson whimpered as he watched Radek’s blue eyes go wide and unfocused, and he rocked against Radek’s thigh, his erection painfully full.

"Oh yes, inside me," Radek demanded, wanting to feel Carson take him while aftershocks of pleasure still rocked him.

Carson groaned and kissed Radek hungrily before letting him go to reach for the condoms and roll one over his erection. When Radek grabbed at him, trying to pull him into place, Carson shuddered and caught Radek’s face between his palms. "I willnae hurt ye, love, so we need ta take this slower."

"Hurt--? Oh. I’d forgotten about that. But I really don’t think anything’s going to hurt right now," Radek said almost desperately, hips arching up as he tried to get Carson inside him.

"Ye took such care with me, I dinna want to do any less with you," Carson protested, settling himself between Radek’s thighs and looking down at him before kissing him hungrily and easing his erection into the tight, wet channel, moaning gutturally at the unfamiliar sensation.

Radek’s eyes widened, the momentary pain very odd, but then it was gone and all he could feel was Carson sinking into him in an entirely new way, possessing him, and he felt himself clench around the hard shaft filling him. "So good," he panted.

"Oh, aye," Carson breathed, shifting his hips slightly and making a soft sound of pleasure at the way Radek moved under him.

"Oh, that is very, _very_ good," Radek gasped. He raised his legs, wrapping them around Carson’s waist, and they both moaned when Carson slid deeper inside him.

Stroking one hand over Radek’s hair, Carson leaned in to kiss him as he began to move, his tongue invading Radek’s mouth at the same pace his hips were stroking. Radek could only match Carson, meeting every thrust and seeking more.

Carson groaned as his body tightened, his pace increasing as his pleasure grew, though he tried to hold on, wanting to feel Radek come around him. Radek stared up at him, whimpering as he felt it begin to build again. "Please," he moaned desperately.

"Yes," Carson whispered, circling his hips against Radek’s until he felt the other man shudder beneath him, trembling and convulsing around him, the foreign sensations causing Carson to gasp and lose his battle with keeping his own orgasm at bay.

Radek clung to Carson, riding out both their climaxes, and when he’d caught his breath, he pressed a kiss to Carson’s cheek, the only part he could reach after Carson had collapsed against him. "That almost makes me forgive Rodney," he murmured.

"I’m sure he’ll be glad ta hear that," Carson laughed before realizing he had to be squashing Radek and hurriedly pushing up to his elbows. "And I take it that was enjoyable?"

Radek tugged Carson back down, enjoying the sensation of his weight pressing him into the mattress. "Stay, I’ll let you know when I need you to move. And that was so far beyond pleasurable that I don’t have words for it."

Carson frowned slightly. "Better than... normal?"

"Not better, just different. But I have no intention of remaining a woman, so it’s a moot point."

Carson looked relieved. "I’m verra glad to hear that, love, because I do love ye no matter what, but I must admit to liking ye the way ye are normally."

Radek looked intrigued. "So it’s even more fortunate than I thought that I misunderstood your request for a dance partner? You really do prefer men?"

"It would seem so," Carson murmured, flushing.

A slow smile spread across Radek’s face. "Forgive me, love, but I’m pleased to hear it. And once I’m back to normal, I’m sure we can find a way to celebrate it."

"One not involving the damnable chair," Carson ordered, trying to look stern.

"And here I thought you liked the chair now. We’ll have to work on that again," Radek chuckled.

Carson groaned and buried his face in Radek’s shoulder.

Radek patted his back comfortingly. "Don’t worry, it won’t be for a while. And certainly not before I can be the one inside you!"

"Thank goodness." Carson chuckled before rolling to his back and bringing Radek with him, both of them shifting around until they were comfortable in the new position. "And do we have any idea just when the colonel’s team is due back today?"

"Assuming no one shoots at them and sends them running back or captures them, they’re due back in two hours."

"I assume we’ll be waiting for Rodney when they do?"

"In front of the gate and I plan to find a gun between now and then," Radek growled.

"Now love, if ye shoot Rodney, John will shoot you, and I’ll have ta do something drastic, and the carts will get into a brawl..." Carson started laughing at that and was unable to finish.

"Fine, fine, I’ll make Rodney pay in some other way." Radek tried to look severe but he started laughing as well. "He’s getting off lightly since this turned out rather well."

"I’m sure ye’ll get him back at some later time," Carson chuckled, "and this way he’ll spend time wondering when it’s going to happen."

"You know me so well." Radek beamed at him. "I shall enjoy making him suffer."

"Just don’t give the man an ulcer, or I’ll never hear the end of it!"

"No, if that happened, he would call you at all hours just to annoy _me_!"

Carson growled. "I’d tell him the only treatment was no sexual contact of any kind."

"Col. Sheppard would kill you!"

"True, perhaps I’ll warn him that that would be the treatment for Rodney, and he can prevent the annoyance."

"That might help," Radek agreed after a moment. "He can manage things with Rodney I would have believed impossible before we came to Atlantis."

"That’s because he has quite the enticement for Rodney," Carson chuckled, stroking a hand up Radek’s back and playing with the end of his braid.

Radek made a face. "Yes, all of Atlantis is well aware of that fact. I wish I could forget it!" Despite his grumbled comment, he was all but purring with contentment as Carson petted him.

"I’ll do my best to help ye forget," Carson promised.

Radek had to chuckle. "You do it very well."

"Why thank ye, love, now I think we’re both for a wee nap. Ye need yer strength if yer going ta chase Rodney around later."

Radek grumbled again at the reminder, but he nestled closer to Carson and closed his eyes, tired by everything that had happened that day.

Carson smiled slightly and continued stroking Radek’s back until he felt the other man relax against him and then allowed himself to doze as well.

~*~

Radek stood at the base of the ramp leading to the stargate, his arms crossed over his overly ample chest, and he glared ferociously upward as he waited for Rodney to return.

"Well, it isn’t _my_ fault," Rodney was saying as his team walked out of the even horizon, obviously continuing a conversation that had been begun on another planet.

"Oh yes, it is!" Radek growled.

John’s eyes widened as he stared at the obviously female scientist. "Rodney, you didn’t!" he exclaimed, trying not to laugh.

Rodney took one look at Radek and started laughing so hard that he collapsed against John’s side.

Radek growled, and it seemed like his braid was twitching with outrage.

"You can’t kill him," John said hastily, keeping himself between Rodney and Radek.

"Carson! Did you two have a nice day?" Rodney asked from behind the relative safety of John and Rover.

"Oh yes, having my lover turned into a woman without his consent was just lovely, ye damn idiot. I’ve a mind ta send ye in for a full colonoscopy!"

John’s eyes widened. "Now, now, Carson, you know they _both_ can get a little carried away. Let’s not jump on the bandwagon."

Radek’s eyes narrowed on the colonel. "Perhaps _you_ would like to be female again?"

"I’d pay to see that," Ronon commented from behind them.

John glared. "Military types are supposed to stick together in the face of rabid scientists!"

"Not when you poke them with sticks," the larger man shrugged.

"See if I play peacemaker again!"

"Don’t, it’s not your strength," Radek grumbled.

"So, Carson, I take it you don’t want Radek to stay this way?" Rodney asked brightly.

"Och, man, are ye insane?" Carson growled. "I want _my_ Radek back!"

Radek lunged at Rodney, making John hastily step between them and Rover wave his pincers... which, of course, made Reza butt him out of the way. It seemed likely to descend into their usual farce.

"Enough!" Carson bellowed, making both personnel and carts freeze in place as Ciora pushed between Reza and Rover, separating them. "Rodney, I want ye to go fixed the damnable machine _now_."

Radek continued glaring at Rodney as John cautiously let go of him and stepped back.

"I’ll go with you, Rodney," John offered, thinking that Rodney could probably use a bodyguard in case Radek decided to follow.

"You two might as well come along as well," Rodney offered, before giving an evil grin. "Unless you want to get one last quickie in."

Carson’s hand on Radek’s arm was the only thing that kept the wiry Czech from lunging at Rodney again. The blue eyes narrowed behind the glasses, and Radek gave Rodney a shark-like smile, not saying a word.

Rodney’s eyes widened, and he edged closer to John and Rover. "Ah yes, I think I’ll just go fix that device now," he said quickly before darting out of the gateroom.

"He really is a genius," John murmured wryly, gaining a chuckle from Radek.

"Which saves his skin the majority of the time," Carson grumbled.

" _All_ the time," John said emphatically. "I don’t care how annoying he gets; no killing Rodney! I’m rather fond of him in one piece."

Radek snorted. "Which proves inherent stupidity of American military types."

"I heard that!" Rodney yelled from up ahead. "And you couldn’t be more wrong!"

"My hero. I know my honor’s safe in your hands," John chuckled, raising his voice so Rodney could hear him as he followed with Radek and Carson.

"Och, just _go_ , man!" Carson growled.

John eyed him. "I _am_. But do you really want to get there before Rodney has a chance to do what he needs to? Then we’d have to listen to him and Radek go at it for an hour before anything got done."

"How bloody hard can it be ta change the thing back?"

"I’m sure it’s not... if he actually pays any attention to it instead of arguing with Radek."

Carson sighed as the three of them, along with Reza and Ciora, followed Rodney to the lab.

"Work fast, Rodney," John called while Radek grumbled his agreement.

"Why? It’s done," Rodney offered, pointing at the device. "It was a very simple change."

Radek growled, but he contented himself with a glare, more interested in getting back to normal than in dismembering Rodney. Behind his back, John rolled his eyes at Rodney.

Radek reached for the control, then hesitated, giving Rodney a suspicious glare. "It is fixed now? It will not turn me into something else now?"

"If you want, Carson can try it out and show you."

"I dinna think so! If anyone’s going to test this thing, it will be you or the colonel!"

John shrugged. "If you insist." He took a step forward, but Radek waved him back.

"No, no, no one touches it before me!" He took a deep breath and touched the device.

"What are you doing?" Rodney yelped, grabbing John’s hand at the same time Carson breathed out a sigh of relief when Radek changed back to normal.

"Oh, thank the Lord!" he exclaimed, catching Radek’s hand and squeezing it tightly. Radek used their clasped hands to pull Carson to him and kiss him hard, ignoring the sounds behind them as John reassured Rodney that he would have triggered the device again immediately to change right back to himself.

Still keeping hold of Radek’s hand, Carson started pulling him toward the door. "We’re taking the rest of the day off; Rodney, ye can handle any of Radek’s work that needs ta be done."

John clapped a hand over Rodney’s mouth, preventing him from replying. "Just be quiet this once, Rodney, or they really will kill you."

Rodney grumbled and elbowed John in the side.

"Nice," John groused, rubbing his side. "See if I try to save you from yourself again."

"Please don’t," Carson called back as he hustled Radek out the door.

"Just stay away!" Radek yelled back over his shoulder, making John laugh.

"I don’t think they appreciate us, Rodney."

Rover rolled up and patted John on the thigh before scooting off with Reza and Ciora.

"Well, I was going to say Rover does, but he’s dumped us for the harem."

"He’ll be back. And I’ll bet we can find some way to fill the time."

"And just remember; don’t touch any devices for Zelenka in the next year, understand?"

"You really think he’d do something to me to get at you?"

"This is Radek we’re talking about; I don’t put anything past him!"

"Good point. So let’s leave him and Carson to recover from your little joke, and we can concentrate on each—"

"Colonel? Dr. McKay?" Elizabeth’s voice came over their headsets. "Would it be too much to ask for a mission briefing?"

Rodney sighed. "We’re on our way, Elizabeth."

"And that would be the universe getting even for what you did to Radek," John grumbled.

"You thought the idea was funny when I mentioned it, so don’t complain to me!"

"I’ll let you make it up to me tonight."

"Tonight I think we should be making those mini carts as ammunition!"

John stopped in his tracks. "You like mini carts better than me?"

"Not in the least!"

"Good answer." John kissed him hard before starting to walk again. "So tonight’s activities will not include carts."

Rodney chuckled and shook his head. "You know, whatever Radek does to me, it was worth it."

END


End file.
